Random Acts of Common Courtesy

Any gent reading this manifesto for the first time may initially find himself horror-struck at the notion of insurrection and the charmed uprising. “Surely”, he will conjecture “such social upheaval will require me to tumble out of bed afore noon and indulge in all sorts of energetic pursuits.” We of the CAD understand your concerns but wish to reassure you that capturing the hearts and minds of your fellow man will merely entail a stepping up of any gentleman’s customary code of daily civility. Come join us, for today we embark upon a concerted campaign of random acts of common courtesy. In the street, the home and, especially, in the workplace, we will no longer be taken for fools and coerced into thinking that ambition, aggression and disregard for our fellow man are virtues commensurate with modern living. We will crush these myths through the use of proven protest techniques such as disobedient civility, resistant passivity and dressing very nicely indeed. Every day, in small, seemingly insignificant ways we will push the spring tide of change up the shores of ugliness, selfishness and indifference, drowning our enemy in a sea of unbridled panache. Our numbers are small but our will is strong, and in the fullness of time the pasty-faced fop will rise triumphant and take his rightful place as the icon of the age.Take up your kid-leather gloves and brolly, and try out the practical, no nonsense strategies outlined below.

AT HOME

The home is the ideal environment for developing and honing the skills necessary to realising our subversive goals. Practice and preparation here will reap dividends later on, when confronted with opposition in the ‘real world’ of the office and the street.

To begin with it is recommended that a good many hours are spent standing before the glass perfecting a demeanour of exquisite imperturbability. If you are feeling particularly adventurous, why not try clouding your brow with sweet mystery or allowing the merest hint of a knowing smile play upon your lips. It should be remembered that faced with ridicule or attack these are your most effective weapons. Savoir faire to a gentleman is as the trusty kalashnikov to an Afghan rebel. Maintain it well and use it wisely and it will look after you in return.

But now to practical matters. Your initial tentative forays into ‘making a difference’, may be fraught with nervousness and self-doubt. If this is likely to be the case, don’t over-stretch yourself at first. Start off gently. For example, if you live in rooms which form part of a multi-occupied building, take to lurking in the shadows of communal stairways. On hearing approaching footfalls dart from your chosen hiding place and greet passers-by with a hearty “Good day to you, Sir.” or a slightly more winsome “May I extend my hand in your general direction?”

Having conquered your fears and the hearts and minds of your neighbours, it might be time to escalate action, somewhat. In the general vicinity of your abode there will almost inevitably live a little old lady. Little old ladies to the aggressive, ambitious and the terminally employed will symbolise wasted tax revenue and an unwanted reminder of the crepe-fleshed horror of mortality. But, oh no, not to the likes of us. On the contrary, for those of discernment and style, the little old lady is a symbol of the meek harmony of the universe and an untapped human resource. Under correct supervision these small, frail, pitiful creatures can once again be allowed to feel useful and wanted. Pay a visit to a little old lady near you, furnish her with a list of your comestible requirements and point her in the general direction of Fortnum & Mason, Sainsbury’s , Waitrose or some other grocer of note. The carrying of heavily-laden shopping bags is scientifically proven to be invaluable in the augmentation of flagging muscle tone and self-esteem in the elderly.

IN THE STREET

Whilst walking through the street you will come into close contact with ‘the enemy’. That is, the hoi poloi indulging in all sorts of jostling, rudery and unpleasantness in order to gain a march on their fellow man. Even though sorely provoked you should never allow yourself to lose your temper or retaliate. Restraint is all. Timing must be impeccable. Darting nimbly in and out of the crowd, throw yourself into a frenzy of random hat raising, tossing a cheery quip here and a more substantial bon mot there, show them that we mean business and are prepared to take no prisoners.

You will notice as you glide on your trajectory that many of the enemy will be sporting that ignoble instrument of shame, the mobile phone. Whilst this unspeakable affectation is rumoured to be growing in popularity it is none the less infra dig. with all those dedicated to politess, serenity and beauty of mind. With this aforethought, it is incumbent upon you to be proficient in the disabling of cellular technology. To these ends, a light but stout hammer should be carried at all times and particular attention should be paid to Fig.1 which illustrates the most effective dual-blow technique for the dispatching of irritatingly insistent phone ringing. Accurately applied pin-point strikes at points A and B should be enough to silence even the most robust brands of phone. By dispensing summary justice in this way to the mongers of discord and discourtesy you will gain the gratitude and respect of all right-thinking people.

As you progress down the public byways of town or country there will be the odd occasion when you chance upon the lost property of some hapless individual or other. This may take the form of a small trinket of jewellery, a heftily furnished wallet or a dainty morsel of ladies’ underwear. Whatever it maybe, modern revolutionary etiquette stipulates that if the found item is not accompanied by identification, then it is entirely within the judgement of the finder as to whether or not to hand it in to the constabulary. As a rough guide, it should be pointed out that any object that is plainly of no intrinsic worth e.g. base metal or plastic jewellery, is probably the property of a person of meagre means and therefore, it would be a kindness to hand the article in forthwith. On the other hand, precious metals and large rolls of crisp bank notes in all likelihood belong to someone of sanguine finance and consequently maybe kept with a clear conscience. In the happy instance of a name or address accompanying the found item, the above rule applies but it is rigorously enforced by common courtesy that the beneficiary of the find should write to the original owner of the found article thanking them kindly for their largess and explaining the particular circumstances that have led to the decision (Fig.2).

As an agent enchanteur, when called into action, you must be ready and willing to inflict cordiality and harmony at the drop of a well-brushed fedora. Circumstances are bound to arise that will involve thinking on your feet and responding to challenge swiftly, yet with grace and dignity. Take, for example, the situation where you find yourself engrossed in conversation in a public telephone booth and become aware of a member of the public standing impatiently outside awaiting their turn. The usual response would be to turn one’s back and pretend that you are blissfully unaware of their presence, but it takes only a little nous and initiative to turn inconvenience into serendipity. Fling open the door, smile rakishly and invite your guest to join in a jaunty téléphonage-a-trois.

ON PUBLIC TRANSPORT

The soaring temperatures of high summer can often act as a catalyst to man’s uncourtliness to man. This is nowhere more apparent than on the bus, train or tube, where vomiting children, body odour and shell suits can result in patience wearing thin.

A few well thought out strategies, and a handful of dedicated agents enchanteur, can rescue this seemingly lost situation and make travelling by public transport an almost tolerable experience.

On boarding, it is essential that a skilled agent, immediately secures the trust and respect of his fellow passengers and the transport staff. This may be done in a number of ways ranging from a simple “May I convey to you my hearty regards , madam”, to the more physical approach of lightly placing your hand on the forearm of the person next to you, whilst leaning face to face and beaming a smile of the most ferocious intensity.

The loyalty of transport staff can be secured by the simple expedient of tipping the conductor on payment of one’s fare. However, it is essential that such an exchange is carried out with modesty and aplomb, as ostentatious largess will only single you out as smug and condescending. (See section on ‘Tipping’)

As you relax into your role, you will find you are able to take more affirmative action. For example, little old ladies often fall prey to well-meaning individuals who ghetto-ise them by forcing them to sit in O.A.P. designated areas. This is not only humiliating but also it has been proven that lengthy sitting greatly increases the likelihood of osteoporosis, thrombosis and haemorrhoids in the elderly. Using an appropriate lure, such as packet of lemon bon-bons, a bottle of Babycham or an unfinished piece of crochet work, usher the little old lady to the nearest standing rail and sitting yourself down in her newly vacated place, proudly observe the consequent burgeoning of her physical health and mental well-being. Overly crowded carriages and buses can provide particularly fertile areas of covert operation. It may take some practice and determination to function efficiently in such trying conditions but the potential rewards are great. Take for example, that bane of civilised tranquillity, the personal stereo. This object of infamy is becoming alarmingly prevalent on all modes of transport but only becomes truly offensive when due to the immoderacy of the listener the volume is pumped up to a generally audible percussive hiss. Using the sinuous stealth of the puma, undulate your way through the throng and insinuate yourself into a position adjacent to the offender. Do not make eye contact. Remain dignified and erect. In the palm of your hand, you will have secreted a small pair of nail scissors. These should be utilised in the manner illustrated in Figure 3. It is highly recommended that you make your strike shortly before your transport reaches a stop, as you will be able to make a swift getaway before your victim has worked out exactly what has happened.

In an age that has steadily undermined a man’s fundamental right to smoke, transport authorities have meekly followed suit, cynically bringing in legislation that dehumanises their passengers and seeks to convert them into obedient automaton clones. To re-establish our self volition and amour propre, whilst, at the same time, maintaining the conduct required of a gentleman, is a tricky balancing act; but due to modern developments, not an insurmountable task.

The smoker in the early stages of withdrawal is not difficult to spot.A look of saintly martyrdom and the sensitive trembling fingers of the poet. These are your target. You are their salvation. Stride confidently forward, smile serenely and announce that help is at hand. Unbeknown to them, you will be carrying a stock of tobacco products as yet unprohibited by the authorities. Proffer a stick of nicotine gum or a nicorette patch to those of a delicate nature, or more robustly, a moist wad of chewing tobacco, or twixt thumb and forefinger, a burgeoning pinch of snuff.

Not all action need be of an overt or confrontational nature. There are subtle pieces of agitprop that can be employed to skillfully manipulate the minds of the populace. One of these is the practice of newspaper doctoring. In the age of the computer, it is a simple matter to turn out bogus newspaper headlines and articles and paste them onto the pages of legitimate daily papers. The finished article may then be left on a seat ready for an unsuspecting member of the public to pick them up. In this way headlines such as “mobile phones responsible for male infertility, say experts”, “euro-disney in nuclear spill scare” or “reading baudelaire cures cancer” will encourage acceptable modes of civilised behaviour.