ASPHALT REVERIES
The Discreet Art of Motoring

It might be assumed in these days of over-crowded roads and escalating fuel prices that the golden age of motoring is well behind us, and to a certain extent that assumption would be true. Sadly a great deal of suspect mythology has grown up around the cult of the car, with boorish motor journalists obsessing about irrelevances such as fuel consumption, horsepower and the phallic symbolism of cars that seem to have all the design finesse of a plastic egg carton. But with a little ingenuity and cogent planning the motor car might still be freed from the grasp of vulgarians and fools, and reclaim its rightful place as a chariot to the sublime.

That ludicrously overpaid novelist, Mr Martin Amis, has defined a poet as ‘someone who doesn’t drive’. This might be pushing a point too far, especially when one considers the freedom from the horrors of public transport that motor travel engenders, but it is true to say that ideally a chap shouldn’t have the foggiest idea what is going on under the bonnet of his car, and should be no more interested in the inner workings of internal combustion engine than he is in the disturbing intricacies of the female reproductive system.

Automobile Aesthetics

As any anarcho-dandy knows profundity can only be discovered in the surface of things, and when it comes to motoring it is the dash that you and your vehicle cut that is of prime importance.

When buying a car forget prosaic notions such as mileage, age, condition of the chassis etc and concentrate on the important things; that is, colour, lustre, the presence of chrome and the aesthetic beauty of its bodywork. Automobile design has hit a bit of a nadir in recent years, and it seems likely that your basic requirements may only be fulfilled by a vehicle that pre-dates 1972, when the art of car design effectively died. An older car also has the advantage of travelling at sedate speeds more conducive to neo-foppist reverie.

Having made your purchase, you will gradually become aware that your cherished revolutionary beliefs are not common currency on the public highway. The prime motivation for a chap to take to the road is, of course, to be seen and, in being seen, to act as a visual and highly mobile reminder that the forces of common courtesy still have a place on our city streets.

It is almost certain that you will find yourself at one time or other made an object of ridicule by local boy racers too dull-witted to understand the sanctity of your mission. This should only have the effect of spurring you on to greater heights of aestheticism. During the warmer months cock a snook at bland convention by equipping your car with an attractive set of window boxes (Fig.1). Hyacinths, aubrietia and tulips provide a colourful display from March to May and marigolds and lobelia create a charming effect during the summer season. It should be pointed out however that floral displays of this kind are only suited to short journeys about town. Hurtling along the fast lane of the M6 is not recommended for the propagation of exotic blooms and may prove ruinous to a lovingly nurtured herbaceous border.

Dress Code

So, you find yourself ensconced in the interior of a 1967 Triumph Vitesse convertible of an attractive off-white hue, a machine purring with aesthetic perfection. Surely the only question to ask is: ‘What on earth should I wear?’

The answer to this is clear and unequivocal. A sturdy three-piece suit tailored from a hardy fabric such as a 20 oz plain worsted. Such a cloth will protect you against the worst effects of inclement weather and rushing wind action. It is also common knowledge that the G-force of a speeding car can lead to sterility, but a pair of trousers of serious construction will act as an effective shield against such dangers.

To protect the face, even if your car happens to be equipped with the luxury of a windscreen, it is advisable to procure a large pair of motoring goggles (Fig.2) which not only look dashing but also prevent the eyeballs from being dislodged when travelling on particularly uneven road surfaces. Leather headwear is an optional extra depending on one’s personal preferences, but hair control may also be achieved by a copious use of brilliantine or the wearing of a Solida ‘Lord’ gent’s hair net (see section on gentlemanly requisites).

Correct purchase on the wheel is usually achieved by the use of perforated motoring gauntlets. These singular items strike the correct note between practicality and loucheness.

Taking to the Open Road

Slamming a car into first and taking her for her maiden voyage can be an exhilarating experience, but before you do so it is important to familiarise yourself with the essential controls and gadgets that are found in the interior of your vehicle. Study and memorise Fig.3, which illustrates the relative positions of the most important aspects of a car’s interior design. There is nothing worse than finding yourself happily tootling along, only to discover that you have besmirched your legwear with cigarette ash, all because you haven’t had the foresight to pre-locate the ashtray.

When embarking on a journey, concentrate on driving with consideration and courtesy for fellow drivers and pedestrians. The open highway has a fierce reputation as a breeding ground for naked hostility and mindless competition. It is all too simple to be drawn into this netherworld of squabbling and bickering. We advise you to avoid this at all costs. One course of evasive action is to equip your car with a ample supply of quality embrocation and heady narcotics. A moderate intoxication is usually guaranteed to mellow one’s sensibilities to the foibles of other drivers. Although the consumption of alcoholic beverages is rumoured to be frowned upon by the authorities, in practice no officer of the law is going to prosecute a man who is found to be drinking a 15-year-old Islay single malt.

When it comes to dealing with pedestrians a driver should be firm but fair. There is rarely anything more irksome than witnessing the feeble progress of a little old lady intent on crossing the road. This usually occurs at inappropriate points such as quiet back streets and zebra crossings that lull the elderly into a false sense of security regarding the dangers of peak-time traffic. With compassion aforethought, encourage old folk on their way by cheerily tooting your horn and revving your engine throughout the course of their passage. Having attained the safety of the opposite pavement, they will gratefully acknowledge your assistance with enthusiastic gesticulation.

Car Maintenance

And now to practical matters. As unbelievable as it may seem, due to ill-defined biological reasons, ladies are particularly susceptible to men who at least make a decent show of tinkering with a car engine. Science has no reasonable explanation for this phenomenon, but it’s an effect that a chap with amorous intent ignores at his peril.

This isn’t to suggest that we all go out and attend evening classes in car maintenance. Perish the thought. But by the same token, being an anarcho-dandyist doesn’t destine one to follow a path of Luddism or technophobia. The technology involved in the process of dry cleaning or the manufacture of the Corby trouser press, for example, can only be heartily endorsed, but the question is: should a fellow squander his intellect on notions of how these wonders of modern science might actually work? The answer, quite naturally, is ‘No.’

The only route to follow is one of subtle intrigue. A man who knows on which side his concupiscent toast is buttered will adopt a selection of gambits designed to see him through even the most unexpected eventuality.

If you ever break down with a young lady on board, never panic. Admitting that you ‘simply haven’t a clue’ as to the cause of your trouble is not calculated to win respect. Instead, memorise a number of confidence building phrases, such as “By crikey, that carburettor will be the death of me” or “Blimey, I told George that the fuel pump diaphragm needed seeing to.” As you come grinding to a halt instruct your ladylove to remain within the car and disappear behind the open bonnet. From this point, hidden from observation, pretend that you are tinkering with the engine. Fig.4 illustrates the correct and incorrect procedures for doing this. Note that the right-minded fellow on the left keeps his figure erect and firm, emulating the cut-and-thrust of motor mechanics by occasionally tapping his briar on the engine block and grumbling to himself as he does so. The foolish blackguard on the right actually endeavours to interfere with the inner workings of his automobile, forcing his spine into an awkward L-shape. Unnatural bending of this sort can lead to long-term injuries in the lower lumber region.

After a few moments of feigned enterprise, admit to your paramour that you ‘think it’s a little beyond my skills this time’ and flag down a passing agricultural vehicle to take you to the nearest town or village, from where a brief call to the AA or RAC will turn a near disaster into a romantic adventure that will be cherished forever.

Having said this, there are some circumstances where displaying absolute ignorance of mechanical jiggery-pokery may be the only avenue open to you. There are certain men (and occasionally women) that pride themselves (by God knows what code of ethics) on an in-depth knowledge of engines. Feigning any level of expertise in such company only has the potential to cloak you with shame. Never be apologetic to such people. Clasp a slim volume of poetry to your chest, assume the loftiest of airs and reply to any questions in a manner you might reserve for responding to a query from a particularly impertinent cockroach.

“What do you reckon the trouble is?” sneers Hugo, knowing perfectly well that you’ve just run out of petrol.

“Haven’t the faintest iota, dear boy”, you reply haughtily, “I expect it’s something to do with the engine”. And then extending a pale sensitive figure in the general direction of the closed bonnet, venture, “I believe it’s in there.somewhere”